Shhh! Don't mention CIO!

It's time to face facts. Despite my best efforts and a freezer full of homemade vegetable puree ice cubes, I'm really not Earth mother material. Yes, I know, in theory I should have my baby strapped to me at all times and respond to her every need. Well, I tried. She took to the baby sling like a cat to water. I even tried co-sleeping a couple of times, only to conclude that she'd much rather be in her own bed. Well, luv, the feeling's mutual!

Own bed or not, this is one stubborn madam (wonder where she gets that from?) who won't go down without a fight. Over the course of time, we evolved a complex bedtime ritual which involved bathing, massage, bottle, story, songs, rocking, patting, night lights and dummies. Give lots of cues, the books said. Well - durr! The only thing missing here was a big neon flashing sign saying "Hey! It's bedtime stupid!"

The problem, of course, was that we had introduced more props than a film set. Abigail had never learned to settle herself, so it was impossible for her to get to sleep without going through this ridiculous drawn out process. What's more, she usually woke up soon afterwards and then we had the nightmare of re-settling her. Over recent weeks this culminated in us having to resettle her up to 10 times before midnight, on top of dealing with ridiculously short daytime naps and night waking.

I realised that I was spending more and more time going through the ritual, in order to get less and less sleep out of her. Frankly we were all feeling a bit miserable about the whole thing, until one day, I hit a wall. I went through the usual routine and she just wouldn't settle. The more I tried with the rocking, patting and shusshing, the worse she got. It was at this point that I realised I had run out of options. The only thing left was to put her in the cot, close the door and walk away.

This is absolutely the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent (although hey, we're only six months in, so I guess I ain't seen nothing yet!). Still, leaving your child to cry goes against every basic instinct you have. Every scream pierces your heart. It's definitely not an easy route to take, but having said this, I'm glad we did it because it's starting to pay off. The first couple of days were rough with a capital R. We had an hour of crying on the first night, but after just a few days we've got down to a couple of minutes crying followed by a bit of babbling as she put herself to sleep.

The difference in her sleep is quite incredible, though. Even though I feel like an evil Mother when I put her down and she's crying, she does sleep so much better when she's settled herself. Her daytime naps can last as long as 2 1/2 hours now, compared with a maximum of 45 minutes previously. And at night, once she's gone down at 7pm, we don't hear from her until the morning.

Of course, I realise that crying it out (CIO) is not for everyone. In baby circles these days it's very much frowned upon. CIO is supposed to cause irreperable damage to your baby. Yes - thanks to your selfishness, they will grow up mentally retarded, emotionally stunted, sullen and unresponsive. Well, maybe, but I knew that if I didn't do something about my family's collective sleep deprivation right now, we'd all end up like that!

Here's the thing though - nobody really talks about CIO. As I said, current popular thinking is CIO is the root of all evil and to be avoided at all costs. So the strange thing is, once I started to admit to a few people that we were sleep training Abigail with CIO, the dam of silence collapsed. Suddenly we had a flood of comments from friends with kids: "It's the only way!"; "It worked for us"; "You have to do it - be cruel to be kind!" So despite popular thinking, it seems CIO is one of the best kept secrets of parenting. There are, of course, some caveats:

• You have to wait until your baby is ready. This very much depends on the baby, but certainly it's not something I'd think of trying before 4 months old. I knew we'd reached the right point when everything else started to fail and I could see I was hindering, not helping her sleep.
• You have to be committed to the process. It's not fair to your baby to flit in and out of different settling techniques. Prepare for a lot of screaming initially. No wonder really, since you just changed the rules, big style!
  
• I only put her down to sleep once I'm sure any other possible causes of crying can be ruled out (e.g. changed nappy, fed, winded).
  
• If the cry changes from a protest cry (variable loud shrieking with pauses inbetween) to an emotional cry (constant wah wah wah with sobbing) you should go and comfort your baby and investigate other causes.
• If she was ill, I would not try to use CIO.
  

Two books I found very useful on the subject of sleep and settling techniques, including CIO (pictures c/o Amazon):

Month 5: Food, Sleep and Orange Therapy

I can't believe that over five whole months have passed since Abigail was born. Where did it go? The last major milestone was rolling and now things have moved on again. At 20 weeks she had her first taste of solids: carrot puree. At 20 weeks + 2 days I abandoned carrot because it's too damn orange! Now she's progressed to a varied diet including sweet potato, apple, baby rice, mashed potato and sponge cake. Admittedly, sponge cake doesn't feature in Annabel Karmel's baby weaning book, but what can you do if your baby grabs it from the plate?! This morning, Abigail made a lunge for my toast, so I gave her some baby porridge, which she wolfed down.

All this extra food has given Abigail lots of energy, which she is using to spring around in her Jumperoo. She's also started rolling over and over and over and is really pushing up from the floor. She is able to push up onto her knees and shunt forward a few inches, but she normally ends up rolling over onto her back as she can't quite get the co-ordination right for crawling. In literally the last 2 days she has gone from not being able to sit up, to being able to sit unaided. I'm amazed at the strength in her back and abdominal muscles, but then she always liked doing little sit-ups! When sitting, Abigail can even turn a little bit from side to side, but if she stretches too far, eventually she wobbles and falls over. It looks like crawling is not far off, so it could be time for me to baby-proof the house.

Sleep is the biggest source of most new parents' woes, and sadly I'm still tearing my hair out on this one. Abigail's gone through various phases, including a wonderful patch where she slept from 7pm to 7am solid. Unfortunately, at the moment, this is a distant memory. The little monster is very unsettled in the evening; we're normally up and down from 8pm to midnight trying to re-settle her. She's also taken to waking in the night - maybe once on a good night, but it could be up to three times. In her defence, she's had a cold complete with snotty nose and tickly cough for the last week. She's also had a touch of diarrhoea, which the various professionals have ruled is probably a virus rather than the result of her weaning.

I've always had a short fuse at the best of times, and I must say that the sleep deprivation has done nothing to improve this, as my poor hubby will testify. Last night, after a good screaming fit from young Abigail and a throwaway comment from Dom that the stuff coming out of the steriliser smelt of sewage, I flipped and threw the entire contents of the steam steriliser across the kitchen, followed by a couple of mandarin oranges for good luck. Well, what else can you do with all those Chinese New Year oranges anyway?! So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that when Abigail gets over her cold and dicky stomach, her sleep will improve. Of course, by then we will no doubt be into teething - and by default, more sleepless nights. Oh happy days!

Lessons in Parenthood - 6: Toys and Noise

For the sake of your sanity, do not buy toys which make annoying electronic noises, especially those which pronounce Z as "Zee"

And for the record, I'd just like to say if anyone EVER buys her those shoes which squeak with every step taken, they are going straight in the bin. You have been warned!

New tricks

As far as development goes, at 16 weeks, Abigail is a textbook case. In the last couple of weeks she has learned to roll over. This is quite entertaining during the day, but less so on a night when she wants to practice her press ups at 4am. I usually have to turn her over onto her back a couple of times a night at the moment. It's not that I'm obsessing about her sleeping on her front, but sometimes she screams, as though she's stuck! Usually in the morning we find her asleep on her belly anyway. I'm sure the baby police would tell me this is all wrong, but hey, she's got strong neck muscles and anyway, what am I supposed to do?!

This month was also a major developmental milestone for us as parents. It wasn't until my friend, Suze, came round to help out that I realised I was a living in a state of permanent tension watching the clock. Aaggh! She's been up for 2 hours! Must get her down for a nap before she gets over-tired. But will she sleep and how long will it take to get her to sleep? And how to get her to sleep? All these baby books are full of useful (if patronising) advice about routines, but very few of them offer any practical advice on how to settle a baby.

I always had this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I could never settle my child. No wonder nap times had become a battle. Suze pointed out that Abigail tensed up every time we took her to her room. "Take a deep breath and relax your shoulders" Suze suggested. "Don't just try and stick her in the cot, have some cuddle time to wind down and when you swaddle her up talk to her, explain what you're doing". Finally, on the subject of the shusshing and patting, a favourite technique of the Baby Whisperer, Suze said "I prefer to sing, shusshing is so boring!"

I cannot tell you how useful this bit of free consultancy was. I now approach nap times with a totally different mentality. For the first time I feel that I'm really able to enjoy my baby. I don't have that all-consuming tension that the whole thing is out of my control. Of course, I'd be lying if I said I was always a picture of calm; that's not quite in my nature. But just the simple act of going about things with a smile on my face and humming all sorts of silly baby songs has lifted my mood considerably.

Survival of the first three months

So the 3 month mark is upon us already. What can I say? It seems like a lifetime ago since I was in hospital giving birth to Abigail. I still can't remember much about those first few weeks, which passed in a whirlwind of feeding, projectile poo and vomit (on her part) and sleep deprivation and migranes (on mine). Of course everyone says the first few weeks are hard. I had it on good authority that things start to turn a corner after six weeks. My brother laughed at this. "Yes, everyone told us it got easier at six weeks. Then, when it didn't, they said 3 months. At 3 months everyone said "wait until 6 months"....and at six months they just stopped saying anything." Over a year later, my brother and his wife are finally back to some semblance of normal sleep, only to have this brief peace shattered next year when baby number 2 arrives.

One thing we are quite certain of is that there will be no baby number 2 in our case. I guess everyone says this, but right now, the thought of going through all of that again is too much. Feeding every hour. Wailing, screaming and the quivering bottom lip. Gripe water, wind drops, herbal oils; anything in a desperate attempt to stop the screaming. Countless circuits wearing a groove into the marble floor with the pram trying to get her to sleep. Tiptoeing round the house while the pile driver on the building site next door clunks at a thousand decibels. Feeling like I've been run over by a truck; so tired I could pass out standing up. Bags under my eyes which Touche Eclat can't make a dent in. No way, Jose! One baby is quite enough thank you!

One thing I have realised, however, is that you do adapt. As a highly-strung person I was the first to dash out lines like "Oh for god's sake, just go to sleep Abigail!" or "she's going to have to go on formula". Other classics included "I'm going to throw her off the balcony" or "I'm going to throw myself off the balcony!" Or in Dom's case, that old Frank Spencer line "I'm a failure!" Eventually though, you realise that, as good as it feels to vent frustration, it doesn't actually achieve anything. It seems babies have an uncanny knack of picking up on your stress levels and getting wound up just makes them scream more while you feel worse.

It's classic change transition curve stuff in action. Pre-baby you are excited at the prospect of the new arrival; your mood lifts in anticipation of this joyous event. Post baby you rapidly slip into denial. Fuelled by some mad kind of post-birth euphoria, you are convinced that within a few days you'll be back to your old self and old routine. No problem with that half-marathon you signed up for and bring on the networking conference in Bangkok next weekend. Quickly, such thoughts evaporate, as you realise this is not a minor blip but a major bump in your lifestyle road. Example: Week 2 and Dom invited some friends over for dinner. Unfortunately I was a bit further along the transition curve and told him in no uncertain terms that if they really had to come over it would be for a quick lunch - and takeaway pizza at that.

Following on rapidly from denial is awareness, the realisation of what you have just taken on. It's much harder than you thought. It's really not what you signed up for, but unfortunately, unlike that unwanted M&S Christmas cardie, there's no return policy on this one. And all those baby books you read and confidently spouted about to family and friends? Absolutely useless. Unfortunately there is no E.A.S.Y. when it comes to babies. It's just H.A.R.D! Your inexperience is exposed to the core by this tiny human being. Never before in your life has anyone made you feel so inadequate or useless as your new bald boss.

At some point you hit the bottom. The slightest thing can send you over the edge. I remember Dom moaning that the maid had dried the baby bath off with his gym towel. Normally he wouldn't be bothered by such trivia. Equally, under normal circumstances I wouldn't roar "I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about what f*%&ing towel the maid used to dry the sodding bath with...like you have time to go to the gym now anyway!!!" This stage is the worst. You can't imagine life ever getting back to normal. The baby's bottle is always proverbially half empty - although the nappy, in a cruel twist of fate, is always half full.

And then, somehow you start to move into acceptance. Life has evolved. There's no point resenting the fact that your weekend lie-in is toast and your social life has gone up in smoke. If she wakes to feed at 2, 3 and 4am, you should just get on with it quickly and quietly in the hope she'll go straight back to sleep. There are no prizes for throwing the night light across the bedroom in a fit of pique. Most importantly, you realise that sometimes she's going to cry, whatever you do. So you have a choice: you can either get stressed by it, or you can try and go with the flow...and let me say what a major departure in style this is for a control freak such as me!

I think I'm just about coming out of the other side now. I've accepted that come what may, she will only go to bed at 8:10pm so what's the point fighting it? I'm trying to put her down earlier if she looks tired, but if the screaming starts I just cut my losses. Don't fight the system. Whatever it takes. My new and essential mantras. That said, with each passing day, it does get easier, even if it's very much a one-step-forward-and-ten-back process! And for every time you feel like you want to scream, you only need to get one of those gummy little smiles to make you realise that somewhere, deep down, it's all worth it.

Lessons in Parenthood - 5: Routines

Just when you think you've established a routine....everything changes.

The Arsenic Hour

Abigail enjoying the baby play mat at Cynthia's house

Cynthia's baby Maddy (top) and Abi (bottom) get to know each other.

Why is it that when you visit friends, your little bundle of joy puts on her best behaviour? She sleeps, coos and smiles non-stop and everyone remarks how lucky you are to have such a good baby. A prime example: the coffee afternoon I went to at Cynthia's house this week. Come round at 5 o'clock, I tell them. It's a different story then! At 5 o'clock - and you can pretty much set your watch by it - our delightful child turns into a screaming monster: red-faced, writhing and inconsolable.

Only swaddling, holding, rocking and sucking (whether bottle or boob, she's not fussed) can prevent a total meltdown. But of course the minute the dummy is quite literally spat out, off she goes again. It carries on this way until around 9 o'clock, or later if it's a particularly bad night, until she finally goes to sleep (presumably through exhaustion).

Why do babies do this? Some call it colic. Some call it the witching hour. The best description I saw was "the arsenic hour" on an Australian breastfeeding site. We call it the evening grizzlies. Whatever you call it, it's quite common and apparently peaks in week 6 and tails off by 3 months (or not, as my brother helpfully told me). Either way, 3 months seems like an eternity away when your day is measured out in 2-hour slots of feeding, changing and sleeping - or not, as the case may be!

What is clear, however, is that you do get through it - at least judging by how our friends recall their experience through misty eyes. Says Harriet, on the subject of crying: "Ah. They are teaching you how to look after them. They are teaching you important life lessons which they hope you will learn deeply and quickly which is why they cry so loudly and for such a long time. These things include how to be patient, how to look after them although you'd rather actually leave the room, how to eat your dinner standing up and with one implement, how to listen to what you and them are thinking even when you can't hear your partner above the din and how to soothe them. Happy days are nappy days."

To which I can only assume Harriet has long forgotten the days when Connie screamed until she was purple in the face, including one legendary shopping trip to BHS where the decibel count nearly shook the mannequins off their stands and had the shop assistant on speed dial to social services.