What's the damage?

Before

After

After years of being relatively perky and svelte pre-baby, followed by nine months of watching my waistline and toes gradually disappear, I couldn’t help but wonder what sort of shape I would emerge from pregnancy in. According to various books, I could look forward to a permanent thickening of my waistline, to the tune of up to two inches. Ditto, weight gain - with an additional 1-2 Kg here to stay for good.

And that’s just the thin end of the wedge. Horror stories abound of breasts like a couple of satsumas in a string bag, a stomach sagging like an old crepe suzette under the weight of a thousand stretch marks, and a lifelong subscription to Tena Lady because your pelvic floor is shot to bits. Yes, by all accounts, your body will never be the same again after pregnancy. So, after 41 weeks, 3 days, 7 hours of labour and a few sleepless nights, it was finally time for me to take stock, step on the scales, have a good hard look in the mirror and assess the collateral damage. And I have to say, some of the results were surprising!

I gained a total of 14 pounds during the pregnancy, 9 of which were instantly shed at the birth. One week later I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight (although certainly not my pre-pregnancy shape judging by the refusal of my trouser buttons!). My belly feels as spongy as a ball of dough and something seriously weird has happened to my abdominal muscles, which seem to have parted like the Red Sea at the Israelites’ exodus. On the plus side, no stretch marks though.

Sadly, hypnobirthing can only save you from some of the ravages of child birth and there’s no escaping that first-week feeling that a double-decker bus has driven through your private parts and that with every step you take all your insides might just fall out. I wasn’t counting on waking up with a couple of rock-hard “Pammies” on day 3 either. Still, it’s the sign of a good sense of humour when, after a sleepless night, your husband can look at your ridiculously swollen décolletage, laugh uncontrollably, and re-name your assets “The Zeppelins”. And to think people pay good money for boobs like this...